Amir Levine is the author of the Attached book and he is a neuroscientist researcher at Columbia University.


The keynotes which we can adopt from this book is as follows -

  • According to the study, your happiness and well-being are also influenced by your companion.
  • The childhood experiences you both have will have a big impact on how well you get along well with your partner.

Understanding Your Romantic Relationships Through Attachment Styles

When partners are separated from their loved ones, they typically have varied reactions. Varies from one person spouse may be upset, the other may be unfazed by their separation. Individual attachment styles are linked to these various responses. According to the writers, attachment is defined as a long-term link between two people. The mother-child relationship is the most commonly discussed attachment. Many research has found that the attachment style we develop with our mothers has a significant impact on our future relationships. To demonstrate this, the authors cite a study. Researchers are trying to see if strong attachment may help people heal. So they put half of the female volunteers in stressful scenarios while the other half held their partner's hand. The hypothalamus, the brain area that deals with emotional pressure, has been less active in holding their partner's hand, according to the findings. This effect appears to be there only if you and your spouse have a deep and stable bond. Spend quality time with a partner from an unpleasant relationship, for example, has been linked to elevated blood pressure and feelings of discomfort in other studies.

Attachment Styles are founded on Bowlby's research.

There seem to be three sorts of attachment, according to the author. These are the avoidant, apprehensive, and secure types of people. Each represents a distinct perspective on intimacy and how to communicate in a relationship. John Bowlby, a psychologist, defined these three attachment styles based on his study. He proposed that children had an innate desire for maternal affection. This theory was based on monkeys preferring a comforter over food and another psychologist discovering significant changes in how youngsters reacted when away from their parents for a short space of time.

Attachment Can Be Divided Into Three Types

Before we get into detail about each of the attachment styles, here's a quick overview:

  1. Secure - Don't be afraid to invite intimacy.
  2. Anxious - They are concerned about relationships and intimacy because they fear losing their spouse.
  3. Avoidant - Considers a close relationship to imply a loss of freedom. As a result, they shun these ties.

According to Levine, none of these attachment patterns are inherently good or negative. They're just not the same. These attachment patterns are present in the majority of people from birth. However, every four years, there is a 25% possibility that your attachment style will change.

Attachment Anxiety

Humans have a great need to be attached to others. However, we have different ideas about how relationships should work. Individuals who are anxiously attached are frequently worried about their relationship. They are concerned that their lover does not enough adore them. Anxiety if a spouse does not respond to your communication fast is an example of this.

Attachment Ignorance

People with an avoidant attachment style typically feel stuck in their relationships. They'll think their relationships are excessively needy, and they won't understand why individuals are so fixated on one person. These people avoid partnerships because they believe they will lose their independence if they do. The authors emphasize the critical distinction between independence and self-reliance. You can't let up what they regard as independence if you're self-reliant. This leads to a shattered relationship and dissatisfaction. Independence is the understanding that you really can achieve success on your own, but you don't have to live your life alone. For people who are avoidantly connected, understanding this distinction is crucial to happiness.

If they choose to be in a relationship, they will most likely have difficulty recognizing the feelings of others. As a result, they find it difficult to maintain these bonds. They also employ distancing techniques such as hiding secrets and avoiding physical contact. One possible explanation for these behaviors is that they originated as a protection mechanism as a result of childhood neglect.

Those who are especially with the younger attached have qualities that make it appear as if they don't wish to create any attachments. The truth is that they both have the same urge; they simply express it differently. They will not accept anything less than their ideal mate, which implies that relationships can fall apart when they detect little issues with a partner.

The researchers advise people with this attachment style to strive to see their spouses in a more positive light. The most effective method to achieve this is to look at yourself as the source of conflict. People with virtually impossible can avoid nitpicking difficulties with their relationship by specific case studies from their partner's viewpoint.

Secure attachment

The secure attachment style is the last type of attachment. This attachment type allows individuals to effectively convey their aspirations and wants without resorting to protest behaviors. Calling a spouse several times when they don't respond right away is an example of protest behavior. Individuals that are securely linked are also forgiving, dependable, and receptive to their partners' needs. They can read between the lines and comprehend their partner's requirements without being concerned (as an anxious person would) or apathetic (as an indifferent person would) (like an avoidant person). The truth is that being in a stable relationship is the strongest predictor of a successful and happy relationship.

Secure partners are not scared of intimacy and rely on each other for support. They are willing to be intimate because they do not fear losing their independence as a result of their actions.

Attachment Styles That Aren't Compatible

Considering your partner's personality might assist you in identifying areas where your styles may clash. The most mismatched duo, according to the authors, would be anxious and avoidant. These people wouldn't be able to meet each other's intimate demands. This form of relationship is marked by intimacy at times and withdrawal from the avoidant partner at other times. As a result, the concerned spouse will feel misled and dissatisfied. These attachment techniques, however, might nevertheless complement one other. Effective communication can help to resolve relationship issues. The concerned partner should convey his or her emotional requirements in particular. The evasive partner should indicate a desire for privacy. When a couple communicates their wants and responds to one another's requests for closeness, it becomes simpler for one of them to spend time alone without causing harm to the other.

The Myth of Dependency

It's a common misconception that coddling your child would result in them becoming overly reliant on you as they become older. Parents are concerned that coddling their children would prevent them from learning to self-soothe. As a result, they experience future attachment problems.

The truth is that dependence is a paradox. If you put a youngster in the same room with their mother, they will feel safe. This sense of security stems from their reliance on their parents. This dependence is what permits the child to explore on his or her own. What occurs when the mother is removed from the room supports this idea. When this occurs, the youngster will frequently cry and refuse to explore the room. The reason for this is that they lack a stable basis to rely on, allowing them to explore on their own.

Adulthood reinforces the importance of dependency. The author explains how studies demonstrate that holding a partner's hand reduces stress levels significantly. Women's brain activity in the hypothalamus was examined after they were put under stressful situations. This is the area of the brain that is linked to anxiety. When compared to holding a random person's hand, the researchers discovered a substantial drop in hypothalamic activation when holding their partner's hand. This demonstrates how their reliance on their relationship helped them deal with stressful events, and it also demonstrates how we rely on someone else for our well-being. Couples become a single physiological unit as a result of this dependence, in which they impact their partner's blood pressure, heart rate, breathing, and hormones. Partners' mirroring demonstrates the relevance of dependency in partnerships.

The Difference Between the Two Types of Data 

When you have mismatched attachment styles, we recently spoke about how important communication is. You must be transparent about your emotional needs and show a desire to learn about and understand your spouse's attachment requirements to communicate effectively.

The writers divide communication into two sections. There are two types of information: contents and relational. The information that is said is known as content information. The signaling that people provide by their tone, body language, and other indications is referred to as relational information. If either of these forms of communication is misunderstood, misunderstanding might occur. As a result, two partners may not have the same understanding of a situation.

In relationships, it's critical to share personal information.

Sharing private information honestly is the key to avoiding misinterpretation. This can also improve the relationship's affection and intimacy. Researchers call this reciprocal communication "what builds a relationship." Most fights in relationships, according to Levine, aren't about major blunders or minor inconveniences. Instead, the majority of issues stem from competing intimate requirements.

The author utilizes a dog as an example to demonstrate how your attachment style is more essential than the specifics. Despite their incessant pooping, waking you up at night, and wanting constant care, everyone loves their dog. Individuals who have a secure attachment type and are prepared to put the troubles behind them still adore their dog despite all of these complications.

The majority of communication is nonverbal.

Body language is more common than vocal language. So keep in mind that your body language affects how your spouse interprets your information. Your open body language will encourage you to share. Leaning into the discussion or making sure your arms aren't crossed are examples of open facial gestures.

How to Disagree in a Positive Manner

 

It's not so much how very much you disagree with your spouse as it is how you disagree that makes a relationship work. It's important to remember not to generalize when you're arguing. As a result, when you disagree, you should just discuss that topic. Do not keep bringing up previous conflicts or misbehavior during the conversation. You also should consider your partner's health at all times. You can have an idea of what you want, but you also need to think about your partner's well-being. By taking into account both points of view, you will be able to reach an effective agreement and make decisions that benefit both of you. Finally, keep in mind that your spouse cannot read your thoughts. Be open and honest about how you're feeling so they can fully comprehend your situation.

Final Words 

The idea that we may be all unique is reinforced by the attached. Our attachment types are all different, and they are influenced by our environment and biology. Having said that, we will all fall into one of three attachment styles: secure, anxious, or avoidant. Let's say one of us or our partners has an anxious or avoidant attachment style. In that instance, communication must be used to deepen the relationship's bond. Recognizing your attachment styles and those of your spouse will help you figure out how to make your relationship last.